- What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
- Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I
don't know what he looks like.
- Life sucks, then you get married and she doesn't.
- A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway.
The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were
"stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumfounded."
- One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
- What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
- What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
- A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to
a little fuck?" She says, "Hello, you little fuck." :-)
- How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones.
- Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
- Did you hear about the blind skunk?
Fucked a piece of shit.
- How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
- How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.
- What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
- How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
- What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well-hung.
- What's another term for lesbian?
"Vagitarian."
- Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire.
He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as
she climbs in. She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed
as you are at the dinner table." He sits up, folds his hands on his lap,
and says, "Is that better?"
She says, "Much better."
He says, "Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy."
- Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with
mud.
- If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
- I saw a bumper sticker on a pickup truck the other day that read,"Jesus
is my best friend."
Boy, the guy's dog must be pissed.
- What happened to the Polish rocket ship?
At 500 feet it ran out of coal.
- What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock. (that's a low blow)
- What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
Spits out the feathers.
- What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
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